


Fighting Gravity

by Remlundskan



Category: New Kids On The Block
Genre: Coming Out, Dream Sex, Friendship/Love, M/M, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-08 16:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1947711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remlundskan/pseuds/Remlundskan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe's been having some really disturbing dreams lately. About Jordan. About him and Jordan. Doing things. Together! As a married father of three, having sex dreams about one of his bandmates is one thing. But what happens when it starts affecting his performance on stage? What happens when the dreams become a reality? Will there be a Happy Ever After? How do you tell your wife that you've fallen in love with someone else? And is it really mutual?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I do not own these guys! I'm just borrowing them for a while!

Joe was dreaming. He knew this for a fact, since he’d had the same fucking dream for three weeks now. And it was slowly, but surely, driving him insane. 

It started out the same way it always did. He was in a hotel room, entertaining some lovely Joe girls (three, to be exact, which was a personal record for him), who were happily sucking his manhood, their delicate hands roaming his body….

And then, that voice!

“Three’s the magic number, right, Joe?”

He refused to open his eyes. He didn’t have to! He knew that Jordan was sitting in a chair just two feet away. He knew that Jordan was looking at him! And he knew that Jordan wasn’t wearing any clothes.

“Alright, ladies, back off, that boy is mine!” the voice he’d known since childhood said, and just like that, the three lovely Joe girls were gone. Frustrated and still horny, Joe slowly opened his eyes. Jordan was smirking at him, his eyes moving all over his naked body.

“Where did they go?” Joe had to ask, because the three girls seemed to have vanished from existence. Jordan got up from the chair, and crouched down next to Joe.

“Why do you care? You don’t want those girls, anyway! You don’t want any girls!”

For some reason, that he still hadn’t been able to figure out, one of Joe’s hands was jerking himself off, keeping him hard and aching. He was just about to ask how Jordan could be so sure what Joe would want or what he didn’t want, for that matter, when Jordan simply removed Joe’s hand and started Jerking Joe’s hard cock, like it was the most natural thing in the world to do to one of your best friends.

“You want me!” Jordan said simply and Joe had to close his eyes and sigh for just a second, because that hand on his cock was just so fucking talented.

“I don’t… want you…” he panted as the hand got a little bolder, fighting to keep at least some small shred of dignity. When he opened his eyes again, Jordan’s face was inches away from his own.

“Yes, you do!” he said, and then, he moved in for a kiss.

Now, the first time Joe had this particular dream, he had woken up, just after that first touch of Jordan’s lips against his, so freaked that he fell out of bed. That was three weeks ago. And every night, it went a little further, and got a littler hotter, just before he woke up.

This time, Jordan ended up in Joe’s lap, Joe pressing inside him with a loud grunt. They kissed, tongues dancing as they moved together, Joe’s hands on Jordan’s hips, pulling him up and slamming him back down again, fucking him hard.

“…say it…” Jordan was whispering in his ear as they fucked, his hands moving all over Joe’s chest. “…say that you want me…”

“I want you, Jordan”, Joe admitted out loud, pushing in harder and faster as he got closer. “I want you, fuck, I want you so bad…”

That was the point where he had woken up last time, sweaty and hard, cheeks red from shame and excitement. But this time, he didn’t wake up. He was brought closer and closer to climax and suddenly, his eyes were open and they looked into each other’s eyes.

“Tell me you love me, Joe!”

Joe woke up shooting, not even given the chance to put his hand around his cock, shoving a hand in his fist as his body shook in orgasm. ‘Oh, god’, his barely awake brain screamed over and over, ‘oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!’

For a long while, he was afraid to breathe. Had someone heard him? His heart pounding, he waited for the moment where everything would make sense and things would get back to normal.

It didn’t make sense!

He was way past the ‘that so didn’t happen’ stage. He had been having the same dream for weeks now, and he was man enough to admit that it had happened, that he had sex dreams about him and Jordan.

The ‘love’-part was new, though. That hadn’t happened before. Either his brain was playing some seriously dirty tricks on him… or it was the other thing, and that meant that he was in big trouble.

He had to do something! He had to try and make sense of it all. He had to talk to someone!

Yeah, like he could talk to anyone about this! Who in their right mind would possibly understand what he was going through…

Oh! Right!

* * * * *

“So”, Jon said, putting his cup of coffee back on the table in front of him, “what happens next?”

“The girls are gone”, Joe muttered, keeping his head down to avoid eye contact with the elder Knight brother, “and this… person is all over me, saying some crazy shit like… you know… ‘tell me you want me, tell me you want it’, that kind of shit… and I don’t, I don’t want it, it’s just that… in the dreams… I do!”

“Ok…“ Jon puts a hand to his mouth to cover up a yawn. “Go on!”

“And we end up having sex and then I wake up, feeling like I’ve been violated or something!” Joe rushed out, his cheeks burning, hoping and praying that Jon wouldn’t ask for any details about the dream.

“I see!” Jon said, mostly to himself, and Joe felt his heart rate slow down significantly. Yeah, this was a good idea! Maybe not showing up at the guy’s doorstep at 3 o’clock in the morning, but to come to Jon for help, that was a brilliant idea! Jon would help out! He’s a smart guy, he was gonna say that it don’t mean anything and Joe could go back to not freaking out every single time he happened to think about…

“So, who is he, then?” Jon suddenly asked, causing Joe to almost drop his cup of coffee. Forget burning, his cheeks were on fucking fire!

“I… Why would you… What makes you think that… I never said…”

Jon simply gave him a look and got up from the couch.

“I can see that this is gonna take a while, so I’m gonna fix us something to eat. You hungry?”

Mind reeling, Joe could only stare at him, which, a voice in his head pointed out, was very rude, so he looked back down on his hands, and saw that they were shaking.

“Why is this happening to me?” he asked, his voice not more than a whisper. “Why now?”

“Well, have you has sex dreams about other guys before?”

How in the fiery pits of Hell did he know that? Joe must have had that question written all over his face, because Jon simply raised an eyebrow and sat back down.

“You call me up in the middle of the night, desperate and say that you have to talk to someone. I ask about the dreams and you leave out the pronoun of your mystery lover. But mostly, it was the look on your face when I opened the door and the first thing you said to me was ‘One sex dream about another guy doesn’t make me gay, right?’, so… I ask again… Have you had any dreams about other men before?”

“No…”

“Alright, listen to me! First of all, I don’t suppose I have to tell you that it’s perfectly normal, right? One dream doesn’t mean that you have to start questioning your sexuality and if the guy was forcing you to have sex with him…”

Oh! Right! Apparently, it *was* possible for his cheeks to turn even redder.

“Well… I might’ve been… holding a few things back… about the dream…”

Jon threw a not-so-subtle glance at the clock, but didn’t say anything. Joe took a deep breath.

“Ok, so… This dream I had… I’ve been having the same dream for almost three weeks… getting more and more… detailed every time and it’s not… I’m not being forced into anything, I…” He really didn’t want to look at Jon when he uttered the next three words, because honestly? It scared the hell out of him. “I… I liked it! Like… *really* liked it!”

The silence that followed seemed to drag on for hours, even though it was probably only a couple of seconds.

“Liked it as in ‘damn, that was one crazy-ass dream’ or liked it as in … ‘I wanna do that again!’?”

Joe really didn’t want to answer that one. Because that was the very question that he had been asking himself for almost three weeks now. And he still wasn’t sure what the answer was.

“Joseph… This ‘mystery lover’ of yours… Is it someone you know?”

Well, he could answer that one. He didn’t have to say exactly *who* it was, he could just nod and hope that Jon would accept that as an answer. So, he nodded.

“I see… Joe, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, and you are not…”

“I know him! He’s… a friend!”

“Well, let me ask you this… Do you have feelings for this man?”

“Feel…”

“Sexual feelings, Joe! Are you attracted to him?”

He wasn’t supposed to! He was married! He had a family! They both did! The mere thought about doing anything was ludicrous! He shouldn’t be!

But he was!

Of course he was! It was Jordan fucking Knight! The man could sneeze and the entire female population would swoon at his feet. He was a walking poster boy for sex! A man would have to be dead or the Pope not to feel some kind of attraction to him.

“Yes!” he admitted, feeling like a little boy in the principal’s office.

“Have you told him how you feel?”

What the fuck?!

“Are you insane?! No! Of course not!”

“Well, maybe you should! Joe… you obviously have feelings for him! If he truly is your friend, then he won’t think any less of you and who knows, you might get lucky.”

“Lucky?!” Not in any universe that Joe knew of, did those words make any sense. He wasn’t gonna say anything! He was married, for the love of… He was a family man! He was faithful! A few Joe girls on tour or on the cruise, that was one thing, she was cool about that, but this… This was different!

“Yeah”, Jon said, yawning, “he might feel the same about you! Trust me, Joey, love can hit you when you least expect it!”

“Jon, I can’t! I’m married! We’re both married, we have families, we can’t just… That’s crazy talk!”

“Or you can go the rest of your life wondering what might have been. Love is not something to be fought; it’s something to embrace… Which reminds me, I have a warm bed and an even warmer lover waiting for me, so…”

Joe got up from the couch. Of course! He was an idiot, showing up like this, in the middle of the night. What was he thinking? He wasn’t sure that it had actually helped, at all, but he did feel a bit better now.

“You’re right, I should probably… Thanks, Jon… This stays between us, right?”

“If that’s what you want, yes! Just think about what I said!”

Joe gave him a big hug. This had been a great idea.

“Thanks, man! Tell Harley I’m sorry for barging in like this!”

“Go home, Joe! Get some sleep! You’ll think clearer in the morning!”

Joe felt so much better now. He wasn’t gonna say anything to Jordan, because really, why would he? But it felt a lot better, now that he had had the opportunity to talk about it. Jon was so great!

“What did he want?”

Jon removed his t-shirt and went straight into bed, where he was immediately embraced by his lover.

“Just to talk! Joe has got some serious thinking to do!” Jon admitted, snuggling in closer to get warm again.

“You’re not gonna tell me, are you?”

For 1.5 seconds, Jon thought about it, and then, he shook his head.

“If Joey wants to tell you, he will! Go back to sleep, babe, it’s 3 a.m.!”

“Too late! I’m awake now! And you are going to tell me what Joe said… or do I have to tickle you into submission?”

“Don’t! Donnie, I’m serious, stop it... Stop it…” It didn’t have the same ring to it, though, when it was uttered in between gasps and giggles. “You are so gonna get it later… Stop!”

“Promises, promises!” Donnie grinned, before launching another attack.

* * * * *

“…say it…” Jordan was whispering again, his hand wrapped around Joey’s dick as he pounded into him, the fans below the stage screaming their names and cried out for more, drowning out Joey’s own desperate pleas. “…say that you want me…”

“I want you, Jordan”, Joe gasped, his legs shaking as Jordan kept on thrusting, right there, on stage, in front of God and everyone else. He could hear Jon and Donnie talking somewhere close by, could feel Danny’s eyes on him, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t care. Not now! Because it felt so fucking good, and he never wanted it to stop. “I want you, fuck, I want you so bad…”

“Tell me you love me, Joe!” Jordan said, hips moving, hands touching, and Joey didn’t care anymore.

“I love you, Jordan! I love you, I love you…”

The screaming fans cheered them on, and Joe felt himself erupt, with a strangled moan that might have been Jordan’s name, but he couldn’t be certain, because in that very moment…

He woke up!

And knew, without a doubt, that he was screwed!


	2. Chapter 2

The place was pumping and the party was reaching new heights of intensity… but Joe couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it. All around him, people were screaming, laughing, dancing and jumping… Donnie was having the time of his life, hugging every single person he saw, surrounded by adoring fans, just like the rest of them… Danny and Jon were talking to two really pretty girls about something… and Jordan was in the middle of the dance floor, seductively moving to the music, shirt open, his eyes burning… 

Joey took a deep breath to calm himself down. Jesus, this was insane! This was beyond insane, this was just plain idiotic. Those dreams of his were going to be the death of him. He hadn’t had a proper, good night’s rest for over a month now. Sometimes, he was even afraid to close his eyes, because he knew that the second he allowed himself to relax, the dreams would come.

He couldn’t be attracted to Jordan! Not in any way! It was stupid! He was a happily married man, he was a father of three, for crying out loud, there was no way that he could ever… ever… feel anything other than friendship for that man. And love, of course. The love you had for a brother, nothing more. They were a closely knitted group, that was no secret, they all loved each other, they were all brothers…

But he seriously doubted that a man were supposed to have extremely erotic sex dreams about his brother.

He remembered what Jon had said, remembered the advice he’d been given by Jordan’s brother… Would Jon have given him the same advice had he known that the mystery lover Joe was talking about was Jon’s own little brother? Probably not! And to be honest, it didn’t matter, because there was no way that Joe would ever tell Jordan how he felt.

Muttering to himself, he went to get himself yet another drink. Sure, there had been plenty of drinks tonight, but he figured that he was allowed. He was having a major sexual identity crisis; he was allowed to get fucking hammered if he felt like it.  
Some girl whose name he didn’t know was talking to him, and he gave her the Joey-smile, even though he had no idea what she was talking about. Refilling his drink, he excused himself and left the party to get some fresh air, hoping that no one would see him leave. He stopped only for a second when he realized that it was raining outside, before walking alone to a secluded area, where he could be certain that no one would bother him.

He was in love with Jordan! He might as well admit it to himself, even if he could never admit it to Jordan. He was in love with one of his oldest and best friends, how fucked up was that? He loved his wife, no question, he adored her… but somewhere along the road, he had fallen in love with Jordan. And he had fallen hard! He dreamed about Jordan, fantasized about him, and just now, in there, watching Jordan seduce every single female present… he had gotten hard. It was embarrassing, he was 40 years old, for fuck sake. He wasn’t supposed to feel like this, he wasn’t supposed to have some fucked-up midlife crisis…

“Hey, Joe! Whatcha doing?”

Joe was really starting to wonder if perhaps the universe had decided to fuck him over completely, because coming towards him was Jordan, all smiles and still burning eyes and damnit, why couldn’t the man button up his shirt? It was raining, he could catch pneumonia or something. Sure, it was a warm summer rain, but any man with a sense of decency would wanna cover himself up anyway, right?

“Nothing!”

Jordan kept on getting closer, a look of concern on his oh-so-handsome face.

“You alright, Joe? You’ve been acting weird for weeks now, and don’t think we haven’t noticed. You’ve been aloof and jittery and it’s affecting your performance on stage, dude, it’s only a matter of time before the fans start picking up on it as well, if they haven’t already.”

“They would pick up a broken nail from two miles away!” Joe muttered.

“So what’s really going on?” Jordan took one step closer, putting his arm around Joe’s shoulders. “What’s with the heavy drinking? Come on, we’re all friends here, you know we love you, we just wanna help out, any way we can.”

Joe couldn’t help but laugh, a sound that quickly turned into a broken sob. How the fuck was he supposed to tell Jordan the truth about what was bothering him? Not in any universe could he see that having a successful outcome.

“Thanks, J”, he said, “but you can’t help me!”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re my problem!”

Ok, yeah, he really shouldn’t have said anything. He really shouldn’t have had that last drink… or the one before that. He needed his mind sober, and not say something completely insane, or do something totally stupid. But judging by the way Jordan was staring at him, the damage had already been done. And since there was no way he could talk his way out of this situation, there was only one thing left to do.

Which was leave!

Somehow, ‘leaving’ turned into ‘turn around and give Jordan a big hard kiss right on the mouth’. Exactly how that happened, though, Joe had no idea! But there it was. Him! Kissing Jordan! Right on the mouth! Hard! On the mouth! Kissing! Jordan! For at least 7.5 seconds! Before Jordan finally pushed him away and asked:

“What the fuck has gotten into you?”

And there was no answer. Because Joe was already moving away from him, as fast as he could.

* * * * *

Words cannot describe the level of awkwardness between Joe and Jordan during next couple of days. It didn’t take a science whiz to figure out that there was some tension between them, and it was obvious to the other three that this was going to have a huge impact on their performance on stage. To be on the safe side, the Kids tweeted that they were going to take a few days well deserved rest, and after a million different “Take care”, “I love you” and “Can I get a twug/follow, please” from their fans, they went off the grid completely, not even answering the phone.

“Alright, this is ridiculous”, Donnie said, looking from Joe to Jordan and then back again. “Whatever you’ve got going on between the two of you, you fix it, and you fix it now! What the fuck, J?!”

“It’s nothing!” Jordan said quickly, and Joe didn’t even say anything, he just left the room, closing the door behind him.

“Ok, I give up!” Danny said. “I’m going for a run. Y’all had better fix this, or we can kiss the new tour good…”

He was interrupted by Jordan who, for some reason, had dropped his coffee cup on the floor. Danny and Donnie looked at Jordan and then over at Jon, hoping that he could shed some light on the situation.

“Alright, you two, get out!” Jon said, taking the hint, and walking over to his brother. “It’s time for me to hand out some brotherly advice.”

Danny, taking this cue to go out on his run, was already moving towards the door. Donnie lingered, about 2,8 seconds longer, looking at Jon, his eyes literally doing a whole sonnet to the man, before turning and walking out of the room, leaving the Knight brothers alone.

Jon took a deep breath before saying:

“What’s going on, Jordan?”

“Nothing!” came the response, automatically, as if Jordan had expected that very question from his brother. And then, he sank down on a chair, looking miserable. Jon crouched down right next to him, his hands on Jordan’s legs.

“Talk to me!”

“It’s no big deal, Jon, really, it’s just… See, I have this friend, right, and he’s…”

“For real?” Jon looked at him, incredulously. “You’re actually pulling that one? Seriously? Shit, J, whatever is wrong, just tell me, because you two, you and Joe, walking around like this, like a couple of…”

“He kissed me!”

Jon blinked, definitely not prepared for that one.

“Who did?”

It was Jordan’s turn to give his brother a look of ‘Are you really that dense?’ and Jon’s eyes widened as he realized what Jordan was talking about.

“Holy shit… He was talking about you?!”

He quickly bit his tongue to keep himself from revealing anything else, but Jordan was already on to him. They had never really been any good with hiding things from each other.

“Who was talking about me? Was Joe talking about me? Why was Joe talking to you about me, Jon?”

“Let’s focus on one thing at the time, alright, bro?”

“You knew about this?!” Jordan suddenly shot up from the chair, staring at his big brother. “Jon, I swear, if you don’t tell me…”

“I didn’t know that he was talking about you, J, how the hell was I supposed to know, that his mystery dream lover having his way with him, was my own little brother?!” He went on, not even noticing the way Jordan gasped at what he had said. “I was having a hard enough time trying not to hit him over the head with something. It was three o’clock in the morning, J, I’m not used to people showing up at my doorstep that early, and Donnie said that…”

“Woah, woah, wait a minute! What the fuck has Donnie got to do with this?”

“Nothing, why?” Jon, the very picture of innocence, replied, instantly, changing the subject back in between two heartbeats. “Jordan, please, I’m trying to think here!”

“Well, you’re not doing a very good job!”

“Look… This is Joey we’re talking about!”

“I know that, thank you very much!”

“And we’ve known him for how long now? This is some serious shit he’s going through, J, and you need to think about how you wanna approach this! I’m not saying that it’s gonna be easy, and you have to promise me that you’ll let him down gently, but… you need to set the record straight, bro, and soon, because this… will destroy the entire group.”

Jordan mumbled something, eyes firmly on the ground, and Jon raised an eyebrow.

“What did you say?”

“I said… ‘What if I don’t want to let him down?’ What if…” the rest of that sentence was lost in another murmur and if Jon hadn’t been such a patient guy and such a good brother, he might have screamed in frustration or hit Jordan over the head. Instead, he just kept his hands on Jordan’s legs, waiting for the younger man to look up.

“J… You need to tell me exactly what is going on here, because I can’t help you if you’re not being honest with me.”

“Fine!” Jordan sighed, looking up to face his brother. “Ok, so… maybe I wasn’t all that shocked that Joe kissed me. Ok, I was, but… maybe… I was more shocked about the fact that I… maybe… possibly… liked it… a bit… maybe!”

Jon suddenly felt like changing his mind about not screaming, or hitting his brother over the head. For real?! He had to restrain himself from shaking his idiot brother, and said:

“You liked it!”

“Maybe!”

‘Don’t laugh in his face, Jon’ is what went through Jon’s head at that moment, ‘he’s your little brother, this isn’t easy for him, you can NOT laugh in his face… But oh, my god, this is too rich!’

“Fine… Maybe, you liked it! And this… is something that you have… maybe… thought about for a while, or did it just…” He had to really fight not to grin this time. “… pop up in your brain when he kissed you?”

“I might have… had a couple of… fantasies… lately…”

“Fantasies!” Jon repeated, like a parrot. 

“Not like that!” Jordan protested. “God, Jon, come on, it wasn’t like that, it was… Ok, so maybe, it was a little bit like that…”

By now, Jon had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing his ass off, and the look on Jordan’s face made it even harder to resist.

“You’re laughing at me!”

“No! No, I’m listening intently to everything you say, so that I can give you the proper advice!” Jon giggled. Jordan looked positively outraged.

“I don’t believe this! I’m sitting here, pouring my heart out and you… Unbelievable, my own brother, laughing at my problems…”

But it was a big hard to hear what he was saying, because Jon was laughing so loud. He laughed for at least two minutes, with Jordan getting more and more agitated, before getting up, albeit a bit wobbly on his feet, and went over to Jordan, putting his arms around his brother’s neck.

“J… I’m saying this… as your brother… and your best friend… You’re a fucking idiot!”

“Fuck you, Jon!”

“Actually, you’re both idiots, for not dealing with this sooner! You’re telling me that the two of you have been walking around like a couple of zombies…”

“I haven’t been…”

“…Because you LIKE each other?! Even you have to admit, that’s pretty funny.”

“There’s nothing funny about this, Jon, I can’t just… I have a family, I have a wife, I have kids, for crying out loud… just like Joe, and this… There can never be anything… at all… happening between us, because…”

“Because it’s easier to just pretend it doesn’t exist?”

“We have families, Jon!” And those four words were uttered in such misery that all the jeering and the teasing and the laughter in Jon just died out. “This isn’t just a couple of fangirls on the cruise, bro, this is… This is different!”

“Fine! If you don’t wanna deal with it, don’t deal with. But you need to talk about it. Pretty soon, this will affect your performance on stage; if y’all can’t work together or even be in the same room together… how’s that gonna look when we’re up there, in front of thousands of people, trying to do a show? Whether you like it or not, J… the two of you need to talk about this!”


	3. Chapter 3

Joe was pacing. He had been doing so for the better part of the evening and he had no intentions of stopping any time soon. He hadn’t slept for two straight days and it was starting to take its toll, but if he fell asleep, he would dream. And he really didn’t want to dream anymore.

His life was officially over! What the hell had he been thinking… What possessed him to… well… kiss Jordan… like that? And that kiss… Fuck! That was the worst of all, the most disturbing part; the way those lips had felt against his during those seven seconds, the way his body responded to the memory of having Jordan so close…

“Fuck!”

He stopped pacing to look out the window at the night sky. They had spent the day promoting their new album, and the hotel room he had been given had a lovely view over the town. It was a beautiful evening; the sun had set and left behind the most amazing dark blue color. Any other place in time, Joe would have called it romantic.

Now, it felt like even the heavens was taunting him.

The way he figured, he had three options. He could leave the band… Yeah, that didn’t even sound convincing in his head. He could ignore this… thing that had happened and just hope and pray that Jordan did the same thing, and that, eventually, it would just go away. Or… he could tell Jordan the truth and hope for the best. He didn’t think J would kick his ass or anything like that, J wasn’t like that, but… Ok, he wasn’t entirely sure *how* Jordan would react, but… Hell, anything was better than this cloud hanging over them at the moment. It was suffocating.

But talking to Jordan scared the living crap out of him!

He knew the rest of the guys worried about him. He knew they thought he had started drinking again. And he knew that if he just told them the truth, they would understand… But he couldn’t tell anyone this. It was hard enough telling Jon about his dreams and he hadn’t even mentioned the fact that it was Jon’s own brother that was the star of those dreams.

He started pacing again, walking back and forth through the hotel room, his mind exploding with crazy thoughts and ideas and the memory of that kiss. It was driving him crazy. Finally, he threw his hands up in the air in defeat, and walked towards the door. He needed to get out; he needed to get in his car and just drive, far away from here, far away from everything, and just not think about anything for a few hours.

Joe yanked the door open.

Outside the door was Jordan Knight, hand still raised as if to knock.

“Woah!”

What followed was twelve seconds of absolute silence. And then, Joe cleared his throat.

“Hey!”

“Hey, Joe!”

“You… ? He left it at that. It could mean any number of things. ‘You coming in?’ ‘You alright?’ ‘You wanted something special, because I’m on my way out’ and, of course, ‘You hate me now, don’t you?’

“You going somewhere?”

“No!”

He wasn’t going somewhere. He was going nowhere! And fast! Just like that, his manners kicked in and he stepped aside to let Jordan come in. No one moved for what seemed like an eternity, and then Jordan gave a quick nod and walked by Joe, into the room. Joe took two deep breaths and closed the door behind him.

Jordan wasn’t looking at him. He was looking out the window at the beautiful night, his back towards Joe. The younger man had no idea what to say. They were alone, just the two of them, together, for the first time since… the incident. Sooner or later, one of them had to say something. The only problem was that both of them were waiting for the other one to speak first.

Eventually, the silence became just too heavy.

“Apparently, we need to talk!” Jordan said. Joe snorted at that.

“Yeah, so I’ve been told!”

“I talked to Jon!”

Would Jon tell Jordan about Joe’s dreams? Would he betray Joe’s trust and reveal the secret to Jordan? Joe started to sweat, he really didn’t like where this was going.

“Oh!” he said, not really knowing what else to say. Hell, he didn’t even know where to start. Or how to start, for that matter. “What…” He had to try again, his voice was failing him. “What did he say?”

“That we need to resolve… this… or it’s gonna affect the show!”

“Right!” Resolve, easy for Jon to say, he wasn’t the one in love with one of his best friends. “So how do we…”

“I don’t know!”

“Right!” There was one thing he could say, though, and Joe knew that he had to get it out fast, before he lost his nerve, so he took a deep breath and started saying: “Jordan, I am so sorry about what I…”

“Don’t!”

Joe got a bit off track after that. Don’t what? Don’t apologize? Don’t talk about it? Don’t be sorry? It was really hard to figure out what Jordan was talking about, when all Joe could see was his back. Ok, yeah, and his ass, but it wasn’t like he was staring at the guy’s ass… Ok, yeah, maybe he was *now*, but he wasn’t before. And he was getting sidetracked again.

“Don’t what, J?” his mouth asked, without his brain’s permission, and finally, Jordan turned around and looked at him. And something in his eyes made Joe’s knees buckle. Because there was a fire in those eyes that was only seen up on stage or on the cruise.

“Don’t…” Jordan started again, but it seemed like he, too, had problem forming the words. But the fire in his eyes was still there. The only thing different from a stage or the cruise was that he was looking at Joe. Like… really looking at him. And Joe’s knees did that buckling thing again. Because the implications of that look were too impossible to even consider. He had to know! He had to ask. He was absolutely petrified, but he knew that if he didn’t ask, he would spend the rest of his life wondering. Maybe… just maybe…

“J, what… Are you… Are you?”

Silence, again. Not knowing whether to back down or keep going, Joe’s feet moved and took a step closer to his friend. Jordan took a deep breath, as if mentally preparing himself, and said:

“I… well…”

But it was enough. It was right there, in front of them, out in the open, and they hadn’t even said the words. They knew, anyway. It was mutual!

The silence that followed was not as long as the other ones, and not as awkward. They just stood there and looked at each other, trying to figure out where to go next… and what to do.

“So…”

“Joe, you know that… I mean…”

“Yeah!” He knew. Nothing could ever happen between them. They had families, responsibilities!

“If things were different…”

If things were different, it wouldn’t hurt as much. Joe was nodding, moving his head up and down, continuously, even though his eyes clearly said something else.

“We can’t!”

“I know!”

This was probably the most awful thing that either one of them had ever had to do. But it was the only thing they could do.

“So… we cool?”

“Yeah… sure!”

They would have to be, because anything else would ruin them. They could go back to the way things were. They could go back to being friends, and not think about this thing between them that, if things were different, could have evolved into something extraordinary.

“Ok, well… I’m glad we talked!”

“Yeah! Me too!”

“I should get back to my room!”

“Yeah!”

Jordan extended his hand, a tiny smirk on his lips, that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Joe just looked at his hand for a few seconds, and then pulled Jordan closer for a warm hug. They could be friends. This could work. He wasn’t sniffing Jordan’s hair, he was just taking a really deep breath.

Jordan was smiling when they separated, and they nodded, briefly, before Jordan walked by Joe and opened the door. And then Joe was moving, almost running past his friend, slamming the door shut, pressing his back against it.

Time stood still!

“I changed my mind!” Joe said, simply, and then, they were kissing.

Joe had kissed his fair share of women in his time. So had Jordan, obviously! But never with the same intensity, as they now kissed. Jordan moved in closer, pressing Joe even harder against the door, kissing him as if he was trying to suck Joe’s very soul out through his mouth, hard, passionate, all-consuming, and their hands all but clawed at each other to find naked skin to touch.

When Jordan’s lips left Joe’s in favor of his neck, Joe managed to gasp:

“This is so fucked up… We shouldn’t even…”

And then Jordan bit his neck and Joe was hard and leaking in two seconds flat. He was not even able to recover from the assault on his neck, before Jordan’s lips were back on his and they were kissing again.

Joe’s hands practically ripped Jordan’s shirt off of him, eager to feel the warmth of his skin, and they moved, almost immediately, up Jordan’s back, and then down, up again to grab a hold of Jordan’s black hair, all the while kissing as if he would stop breathing the second their lips stopped touching. They moved on instinct alone, hands touching where they knew it felt good to be touched, lips and tongue following close behind. In a matter of seconds, their pants were around their ankles.

Not five minutes ago, they had been all set to put everything behind them and move on with their lives. Now, they were jerking each other off.

True, it was not unheard of, and if their lips hadn’t been mashed together, kissing with frenzied lust and despair, If Joe hadn’t been moaning Jordan’s name into his friend’s mouth as he moved closer to climax, if they hadn’t been staring into each other’s eyes, gasping and panting as they came, only seconds apart, it might have been considered relatively innocent.

But they had, and it wasn’t!

It was over as quickly as it began, and it left them slightly out of breath, holding onto each other for support. Neither one of them spoke for at least another three minutes. There was nothing that either one of them could say. The deed was done! And both Jordan and Joe knew that now, that they’d had a taste, they would be coming back for more. There was no way they could go back to the way they were.

“You wanna count the ways in which we are fucked?” Jordan eventually asked. Joe felt a bit lightheaded, but he answered nonetheless.

“Only one; the fact that this wasn’t the last time!”

“Fuck, Joe…”

“Not right now, J, maybe next time!”

“What have we done?”

The inevitable, is what Joe wanted to say. But he didn’t.

“As if I would know, I was under the impression that it wouldn’t happen in the first place!” He looked at his friend… his lover, heart suddenly panicking. “You… have any regrets about…”

Before he even got the words out, Jordan moved in, kissing him once more. It was a passionate kiss, for sure, but more sensual now, that they had taken the edge off. They remained kissing, tongues caressing each other, holding on tight to one another, for a while.

“No regrets!” Jordan said, his lips still hovering above Joe’s. “But let’s see if we can’t make it to a couch, or a bed, next time, because I don’t think my legs can take much more of this!”

Joe looked down at himself, and then looked up at Jordan, raising an eyebrow at him.

“How about we start with a shower and take it from there?”

Jordan had to agree that they were both in need of a shower. Together, they walked towards the bathroom, as close as humanly possible without actually stepping on any toes.

“You know what’s weird, though?” Joe pointed out as he turned on the water.

“What’s that?”

“This doesn’t feel weird!”

“Yeah”, Jordan, agreed, “you’re right! Isn’t that weird?”

Joe raised an eyebrow, but didn’t answer. He stepped into the shower and then looked over at Jordan.

“I’ll tell you what is weird! The fact that I’m in the shower, and you’re not! Get your ass in here, Knight!”

As it turned out, taking a shower with a guy you just had sex with, proved to be not without its benefits. There was the obvious one, of course; having someone there to help wash your back, but there were other perks as well, such as the perfect opportunity to explore each other’s wet, naked bodies, taking your sweet time to really get to know each other’s buttons in a way that they, in their rushed moment of passion earlier, simply didn’t think about.

Joe, for instance, noticed that Jordan got a secret thrill from having his hair pulled. He also developed an obsession with a spot right behind Jordan’s left ear.

Jordan learned that, like himself, Joe liked to talk during sex. He knew that already, of course, that had known each other for almost thirty years, but this was the first time that his own name was featured in Joe’s horny ramblings. He also discovered that he simply could not stop kissing Joey. Everywhere, wherever he could reach, his lips would travel, leaving not a single inch of the other man unkissed.

And he thanked god for his big brother. Even as they moved from the shower to the bedroom, he blessed Jon and the years of hour-long conversations they’d had growing up.

He tried one thing in particular, while he was busy running his fingers up and down Joey’s erect cock, that had Joey arch his back up off the bed, crying out “FUCK, JORDAN!” as he came without warning. When he had enough air in his lungs to be able to breathe properly, he had to ask:

“Where the fuck did you pick up *that*?!”

Jordan gave him a smirk and Joe nodded, his head falling back against the pillow.

“Of course!” he said, still panting. “God fucking bless Jon Knight!”

Jordan nodded in agreement and continued with his previous mission of not leaving a single inch of Joe McIntyre unkissed. He was gonna have to give Jon a call later, and just thank him for being the best brother ever.

Joe, who was a firm believer in men’s capacity to actually achieve multiple orgasms, was proven right as he later watched Jordan come apart beneath him, shaking all over as Joe sucked his fourth climax right out of his dick. He hadn’t even hesitated before going down on a man for the first time ever. If anything, he found that he rather liked it. It was one hell of a power-trip, being able to make another human being completely break, using just his mouth. But then again, he was an expert at going down on women, getting off on the sounds they made as he used his lips and tongue on their sex, so he figured that it was only natural for him to be good at sucking dick as well.

It helped that the man in question was Jordan Knight, and Joe guessed that this fact might have a lot to do with it.

It wasn’t until much later, when they were resting, comfortably under the covers, Jordan’s arm possessively around Joe’s waist, his cheek on Joe’s chest, feeling it rise and fall in a rhythmic, soothing motion, that reality started creeping back.

“What are we going to do now?”

“Sleep!” Jordan suggested, yawning.

“I’m serious, Jordan! This… I’m not letting you go, J, not now! I can’t go back!”

Silence.

“Yeah, I know! Me neither!”

“I just… Fuck!! I love Barrett, I do, with all my heart, but…”

“But this is too big to ignore. There’s no way we can go back to the way we were before. Not when we know… what we know!”

“I love you, Jordan! It’s insane, and completely fucked and I love my wife… but I love you too! What am I going to tell her? This is… like every woman’s worst nightmare!”

“I know Evelyn, she will never agree to a divorce!”

“Which brings me back to my original question… What are we going to do now?”

* * * * *

Jon knew! The very second he opened the door and saw Joe standing outside with Jordan; he knew they had been intimate! Hell, he could smell it all over them. ‘Well’, he thought to himself, ‘that escalated quickly!’

“Sorry, were you taking a shower?”

Jon, his hair still wet, looked down at the towel around his waist and then sighed.

“No, I was on the roof, doing a fucking rain dance. Get in, both of you!”

He stepped back to let them inside, praying to any god that would listen that they would never, ever, feel the need to share any details. The last thing he needed was any kind of mental images of his own brother engaged in any kind of sexual activity. He had gotten enough of those growing up with that ladykiller.

Hoping against all hope that Donnie would be smart enough to stay in the shower, he offered to make coffee and told his guests to sit down while he put some clothes on.

“Alright”, he said, when they were all comfortable, “before you say anything, let me ask you a question. Is that ok with you?”

At their nods of approval, Jon took a deep breath. He really was in the wrong line of work. He should have been a shrink or something.

“Have you thought at all about the repercussions of this? I seem to remember telling you to talk to each other! T-a-l-k!”

“We did!”

“Joey couldn’t shut up!”

“Well, there was one thing that made me shut up, but that only made *you* talk instead, so…”

“Woah! Time out! Time fucking out! I love you guys, I do, but if I get mental images of the two of you together, I might have to gauge my eyes out.”

“Sorry!” Joe replied, somewhat sheepishly, looking over at Jordan. Jon’s teeth were stating hurt just from watching the two of them together. It was as if they couldn’t stop touching each other, in one way or another. Christ, were he and Donnie that bad in the beginning? How the fuck was it that no one had figured them out? Joe and Jordan were walking around like a couple of neon signs!

“Jesus, you guys are a walking cliché. My brother and my best friend… Oh, god!”

“Jon, if you’re done being an asshole…”

“Oh, I’m nowhere near done making fun of you, little brother, not by a fucking long shot.” He probably never would be, he was a big brother, and it was in the contract that he should make fun of Jordan at any given moment. And this? This was enough for at least a couple of years’ worth of teasing.

“We did come here for a reason, you know! Both Joe and I came to you for advice about this…”

“Yeah, and I told you to talk it out, I never said you should throw caution to the wind and jump into bed. This is serious shit, guys, if you’re… Fuck, please, tell me you have thought this through!”

“That’s why we’re here!”

“I’m leaving Evelyn!”

“Oh, good god, J!”

“I haven’t talked to Barrett yet, but… we have to work something out!”

“We haven’t actually talked to anyone yet, because…”

“We wanted to tell you first! We wouldn’t even be here, if it weren’t for you!”

“This is it, Jon! The real deal! It’s not like we’re just fooling around, or anything!"

“Look, it’s not like we planned it or anything, we just…”

“We fell in love!

The door to the bathroom flew open and Donnie came out, mouth open.

“You’re in LOVE?!”

Jon closed his eyes, sighed and counted to ten. Joe looked from Jon to Donnie and back again, and Jordan literally jumped off the couch.

“Dude, really?” Jon gave Donnie a look of complete exasperation.

“Oh, come on, Jonny, this is huge! I knew there was something going on with the two of them, but this?!” He was all smiles as he sat down, next to Jon, looking at the stunned, bewildered faces of his bandmates. “So, tell me everything! How did this happen?”

Jordan suddenly looked at Jon with a look that promised countless hours of teasing.

“’My brother and my best friend’…” he echoed, feeling slightly smug when Jon actually blushed. 

“Wait a minute, wait a minute, what… It looks like we’re not the only ones with a secret! How long has this been going on?”

Jon and Donnie exchanged a single look and then Donnie shrugged. It was obvious to both of them, and quite possibly to Jordan as well, what Joe was thinking at that moment. They were all thinking it. If Jon and Donnie had managed to keep something like this a secret, then why shouldn’t he and Jordan be able to do the same thing? The only problem was that Joe and Jordan had families! They had wives and children to consider. Plus, Jon and Donnie hadn’t been keeping it a secret. They had basically been flaunting their love, to the fans, the media, everyone with eyes… cleverly disguised as a bromance.

“But wait, I don’t get it… What about Harley, what are you…”

“He knows! He’s known for…” Donnie turned to Jon. “… Two years now?” 

It was a good question. Jon had to think for a few seconds.

“Yeah! Two years! We told him when we came back from the cruise, remember?”

“Oh, yeah! –Look, fellas, I don’t want you getting any ideas, alright? There’s a reason this thing worked for us for as long as it has. We knew perfectly well what we were getting into, and we plan to stay together for the rest of our lives.”

“Exactly!”

“You two, however, you have wives, you have families, responsibilities… You need to be absolutely 1000 % certain that this is something you really want to do, and that you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions, because if this is just about sex, then…”

“Dude, that’s my brother!” Jon faked a shudder, and then looked at Jordan, his face serious. “He’s right, though, you need to figure out if this is something you really want, or if it’s something that’s going to go away when you’re done experimenting.”

“It’s not going to ‘go away’, Jon! I know it’s fucked up and completely insane, and I love Barrett, I really do, she’s the mother of my children, but… I’m in love with Jordan! I love him, and that’s not gonna change.”

Jon couldn’t help but notice that Jordan didn’t say anything in return, not one word about him feeling the same way about Joe, and he didn’t like the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach because of that.

“Alright… you both need to figure out what to do! And you need to talk to your wives. Before someone else finds out and does it for you.”


	4. Chapter 4

Joe figured he could wait a few days, maybe drag it out for as long as possible before he had to tell his wife the truth, because he knew, deep down, that all it took was one look, one smile from Barrett and all his plans would crumble to dust. How could he do this to her? She deserved so much better… But he had to be honest, with her and with himself. If he kept this inside, it was going to kill him. He loved her… and he loved Jordan!

He made up his mind to tell her as soon as he possibly could, first chance he got. As soon as he was back home, as soon as the kids were asleep, as soon as they had some time for themselves, that’s when he was gonna tell her. She would probably yell at him, or throw something at him… Oh, god, why did his life have to be so fucking complicated?

But all his plans were destroyed. Because when the kids were sleeping and Joe had taken a deep breath and said the most dreaded words in any relationship: “We need to talk”, Barrett simply looked at him and asked:

“Is it about you and Jordan?”

Completely stunned, Joe could only stare at his wife, unable to speak, for about eight seconds. And then, his brain started working again. Ignoring the seven million different questions he had running around in his head at that moment, such as ‘what’, how’, ‘who’, ‘when’ and variations of those, he simply said:

“Yes!”

At that, she just nodded, leaving him even more bewildered.

“I was wondering when you were going to tell me!”

“I was…”

“You woke me up last week, thrashing in bed, moaning about Jordan. At first I thought you were having a nightmare, although…” She smirked. She actually smirked at him! “You sure seemed to be enjoying yourself, so I figured it wasn’t such a bad dream after all.”

“Baby…”

“You called out for him, did you know that? At first, I figured it was just a dream, just a one-time thing and nothing for me to worry about… And then, it happened again! And again!”

Joe had to sit down, because he wasn’t all that sure that his legs weren’t going to be able to keep him up. He felt nauseated. It was one thing for him, to have those kinds of dreams and come to terms with what they meant… It was another if you were watching your own husband say someone else’s name in bed. He was never going to be able to make it up to her. Never! This had to be the worst thing that had ever happened.

“So, I’m going to ask the questions, and you are going to answer them. Ok?”

Like he could refuse. He didn’t exactly know how to say that word to that woman.

“Ok!”

“Good!” She took a deep breath. “It’s funny, I’ve practiced doing this so many times, but now, I don’t know where to start. You’re having sex-dreams about another man!”

“Baby, please…”

“Just answer the questions, Joseph, please! Do you have feelings for him?”

There was absolutely nothing he could say to make this ok, Joe knew that. He hated himself for doing this to her, but it had to be done. So, he nodded.

“Yes!”

Barrett took another deep breath.

“Do you love him?”

His vision was getting blurry. Not knowing what to say or do, he tried reaching out his arm towards her, if only just to touch, to reassure, but she was too far away for him to reach. You have to do it, Joe, he told himself. You can’t go on lying to her, she deserves to know the truth, you owe her that.

“Yes!” It was barely a whisper, but in the silence of the room, it might as well have been shouted through a megaphone.

“Does he feel the same way about you?”

“Yes!”

“Have you… been intimate?”

“Oh, fuck, baby, don’t…”

“That’s a ‘yes’, then!”

He was crying now! He could tell that she was fighting to remain calm, to keep some shred of dignity and self-control, but Joe had none left. He was destroying this woman’s life!

“Joe, please, listen to me… When this gets out… People might get… It could get ugly! Have you thought about this, what it means?”

He nodded. Of course he had. He had done nothing but think for days, and nights, about what would happen when this got out. How the fans would react, the media… The tabloids were going to have a field day with the scandal of it all. And his children would end up on the cover of some sleazy magazine… Oh, good god! The kids!

“I’m sure there has to be a way to keep the damages to a minimum, so… let’s just keep it between us for a while, ok?”

It took a few seconds for Joe to realize what she was saying.

“Wait, what?!”

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to run down to the tabloids with this little piece of information. Just think of what it might do to the kids. And I’m not just talking about our kids, I’m also talking about the New Kids! So, here’s what I’m proposing… We get a divorce! You and Jordan try to keep the longing looks and the hand-holding behind closed doors, at least for a little while. The fans are going to go apeshit just from us splitting up, one more surprise might actually kill them. So, we get a divorce, joint custody, of course and…after a few weeks or so, the two of you can make it official. I’m not saying you should wait a year, just… give everyone some time to adjust, that’s all!”

This wasn’t happening! This couldn’t be real, he must have fallen asleep, or something. There was no way she could be so… so…

“What are you saying?”

“Joe, I love you! I want you to be happy. And keeping something like this bottled up inside? I’ve watched you these past weeks, hon, you’ve been miserable. And this is a really big step for you! I know it must have killed you, trying to come to terms with this, and I know you never meant to hurt me. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy! It’s not! But none of us would benefit from you staying in a marriage and being in love with someone else. Not you, not me, and certainly not the children.”

There were tears in her eyes now, as well, but Joe couldn’t see them. He was shaking all over.

“I am so sorry”, he finally whispered, his voice broken. 

“I know!”

And then, finally, she was right next to him, and they had their arms around each other, holding on for dear life.

“I’m always here for you, Joe, no matter what, you know that! We can make this work! I know we can!”

“I love you! I love you so much!”

“I know!”

* * * * *

Joe had spent the better half on the night talking to his wife. There had been tears, there had been lots of hugging, and even more ‘I love you’, but when the morning came, he had never felt better. If he was being perfectly honest with himself, he hadn’t felt this good in a long time. Hell, he was downright giddy. Which was probably a bad thing, after hours of discussing divorce, and something he shouldn’t be showing off to his soon-to-be ex-wife, but it was impossible to contain, all those feelings that were just dying to be let out.

Seeing Joe Mac walking around his house, singing to himself, was nowhere near a novelty in the McIntyre household, and today was no different. In fact, it was the absence of his songs that had first clued Barrett in on the fact that something wasn’t right.

They had agreed not to tell the children right away. They both wanted to make sure that everything was done and taken care of. In fact, the only thing that would be different from their current situation, was that mommy and daddy wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed anymore. Apart from that, nothing would change. Eventually, when things had settled down, if Joe and Jordan decided to get a place of their own, they would deal with that then, but for the moment, they would keep everything as it was, for the sake of the children.

He’d had a good night’s sleep, no dreams to disturb him and it was as if he had never had any problems at all. And he had to see Jordan. It was like this magnetic pull was drawing towards the man, even when they weren’t even in the same house. He’d had a taste now, he knew what the other man smelled like, what he sounded like in bed… nothing he hadn’t heard or smelled before, naturally, but for the first time in all the years they had known each other, he was the one making Jordan sound like that, he had firsthand experience of what made Jordan smell like that… and he’d had him in his mouth.

He knew he was pathetic, he knew he was acting like a freaking schoolboy with a crush, but it was impossible not to feel a bit excited. How could he not? He was in love! He loved Jordan and it was the greatest feeling in all of history. And yeah, ok, there was something else he was feeling too, at the moment, but he was doing his very best to try and ignore that, for his wife’s sake.

It wasn’t easy, though! Not when his mind kept on playing those moments over and over in his head, those moments of passion that had taken his breath away and he wanted more of. No, it wasn’t easy. It was, in fact, really, really… hard!

“Fuck it!” he muttered, picking up his cell. He had to call Jordan!

* * * * *

“I’ve had enough of this!” Jordan turned and started walking towards the front door, but Jon grabbed him by the arm, holding him back.

“Jordan, you get your skinny ass back here right now! We’re not done talking!”

Jordan yanked his arm free, but remained where he was. He was a grown man; he could leave whenever he wanted to. He just had to set his brother straight first.

“For fuck sake, Jon, back off! What I do or don’t do with Joe is my own goddamn business, I don’t need you breathing down my neck like some fucking head shrink.”

“Jordan, I love you, but I swear to God; if you hurt him, I am going to castrate you!”

“Hurt him?!” Jordan repeated incredulously. “Listen to yourself, you think you know everything, just because you’re my…”

“I don’t *think* I know everything, I do know everything! And let me tell you something, *little brother* I don’t like what I’m seeing.”

“Get over yourself, Jon, alright? He’s not a baby anymore, he doesn’t need the Big Brother to protect him from the big bad wolf! Do you honestly think that I would hurt Joey?”

“You’re already doing it! And you can’t even see it! Jordan, this is serious fucking business, if you don’t feel the same about him, then you need to tell him, before he does something stupid.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“Do you love him?”

“What?!”

“It’s a simple question, Jordan, it requires a simple answer. Do you love him? Yes or no?”

“Again, it’s none of your business whether or not I…”

“He’s fucking in love with you, J! A blind man could see that! He said so, himself! You were both sitting on that couch, right there, not three days ago, and he told me that he loved you… and you said *nothing*!”

“I…”

“The next word out of your mouth better be ‘do’, because…”

“It’s complicated, ok?”

And yeah, wrong answer!

“There’s nothing complicated about it at all, bro! You’re either in love with someone, or you’re not! So, which is it?”

Jordan was actually starting to sweat. He opened his mouth to speak, when they were interrupted by his cellphone. Not even trying to hide his relief, he quickly answered, not even bothering with checking the display.

“Yeah? Hey, Joe, what’s up? Yeah, sure, I’ll be right there! Ok! –I have to go!”

“Jordan, please…”

“I’m not stupid, Jon, I know what I’m doing! I’m not gonna lose him!”

Jon sighed heavily as he watched his brother practically run towards the door.

“Yes, you are!” he said to himself, not liking this one bit.


	5. Chapter 5

Joe was getting even more excited by the minute as he waited for Jordan to show up at the studio. It was probably the safest place possible; they had at least two hours before the others would show, leaving them plenty of time to… talk… for a while. In fact, Joe hoped that they actually would talk, at least for a few minutes, because he couldn’t wait to tell Jordan about what had happened with Barrett, but as soon as Jordan walked through the door, Joe’s mouth went dry.  
That man was just all kinds of hot! Joe wasn’t sure if it was because they’d had sex, or the fact that he was in love, but right at that moment, Jordan was looking insanely hot.

He knew they had to talk, they had to discuss what they were going to tell people when this got out, but talking suddenly seemed so trivial.

There were other things they could be doing instead.

“A secret rendezvous, Joe?” Jordan gave him a sexy smile. “How very 80’s of you!”

Joe felt a shiver down his spine. Fuck talking; he walked right up to the other man.

“Fuck me!”

“What?!

“I’m serious, J! I want you to fuck me!”

“Fuck, Joe…”

“That’s the plan, yeah! What do you say?”

“I… Jesus, Joe, are you sure…”

“Oh, I’m sure! I am… very sure!”

“Ah, fuck yeah!”

They both knew it was risky; they were in a place where, at any second, someone might come in and find them together, but the very instant their lips touched, the rest of the world dissolved into nothing. It was as if they couldn’t get enough of each other and they were ripping shirts off, anxious to reconnect.

“Fuck… we’re so fucked if someone walks in right now… oh, fuck, you feel so good…”

“I don’t care… let them come… Fuck, I want you naked, right now…”

They had only had that one night together, one night to touch and taste and explore, but it had been enough to make them hungry for more. It was the middle of the day now, and the real world were all around them ready to come crashing down at any given moment, but as far as they were concerned, the only thing real enough, was how fast they could get their clothes off.

And when Joe landed on the couch, Jordan on top of him, his devilish tongue moving over Joe’s nipples, not even the threat of being caught was enough to slow them down. Joe grabbed Jordan’s hair and pulled his head back, smiling an evil grin as he heard the groan of pleasure from his lover and felt him grind his hips into the couch.

“You’re supposed to fuck me, J!”

“And I will!” Jordan replied instantly, his right hand still tweaking and teasing Joe’s nipple. “But I am going to make damn sure that you are flying by the time I get there. You just have to be… patient!”

“Fuck patience, J”, Joe growled, feeling anything but, “just give it to me!”

Somewhere, in the back of his head, the part of his brain that was still in working order, reminded him that ‘just give it to me’ without lubrication, preparation or relaxation, was probably the dumbest idea he could have at the moment, but he couldn’t help himself. Jordan was like a drug and it felt like he couldn’t get enough, couldn’t get close enough, always wanted more, and more, and more.

“Nope!” Jordan grinned. “You’re with me now, Joey Joe, and I’m gonna make you forget there ever was anyone else. But first… I’m going to make sure you learn how to fly.”

Joe was just about to start moaning in frustration, when he felt Jordan’s hand on his dick and any complaints he might have had was gone from his mind. Jordan was a lover, through and through, and Joe was about to reap the benefits.

Why would he complain about that?

He closed his eyes and allowed Jordan to move his hands and his lips all over his body. As long as they got to the good part, then who was he to…

He cried out in unexpected ecstasy when he felt warm, wet lips tentatively wrap themselves around the head of his cock and the most devious tongue move over the slit. Holy fucking god, Jordan! That was Jordan Knight, with his lips tightly wrapped around Joe’s cock. Jordan Knight, giving him a blowjob! There wasn’t a single part of that sentence that made any kind of sense. Because it was Jordan fucking Knight! Moving his lips over Joe’s dick!

“Fuck, J… Oh, fuck… oh, yeah, right there, right there, yeah… oh, fuck… so fucking good, J, so fucking good…”

They had never gotten to this part the other night. Well, Joe had, obviously, and he had loved doing it, but Jordan had made some comment about not wanting to choke on the Anaconda, or some shit like that. At the time, Joe had been too massively turned on to really care one way or the other, and Jordan had used his very talented hands to finish him off, so in the end, he still got what he wanted… But it had remained in the back of his head, and the thought ‘What if…’ had been there, tormenting him, but now?  
Hell, now he couldn’t even remember his own name. He knew Jordan’s name, though. It was the only thing he knew for sure. This was Jordan Nathaniel Marcel Knight, sucking his dick! And Joe loved him! He had loved him for years (He could admit that to himself, by now!), but he had never loved him as much as he did right at that particular moment.

Because Jordan wouldn’t do that if he didn’t feel the same way about Joe.

There was no way of telling how long time Jordan spent turning Joe McIntyre into a rambling fool. Joe was going to ask… something, he wasn’t clear on what, when Jordan had told him to turn over. And he had said something about bringing lube was a good idea… or something like that… and then, Joe’s head had just turned to mush. And by the time Jordan had Joe moving around on the couch like a professional streetwalker, working his richly lubricated fingers carefully in and out of Joe’s virgin ass, neither one of them would have care much if the entire fucking Block Nation was standing around, watching and holding up score cards. 7 from the United Kingdom, and 10 from some group that called themselves the Gutter Girls!  
In his head, Joe had already blessed Jon’s name at least seventeen times, because the only explanation for Jordan being so good with his fingers, and knowing what to do, and how to do it, was that he had asked his big brother for advice. And whatever that advice had been, ‘go slow or ‘be careful’ or ‘lube is your friend, never leave home without it’, it was good advice, because Joe was really flying.

Joe thought he heard Jordan say something, something about breathing… or possibly relaxing… but Joe’s brain refused to translate it into words that he could understand, because he was going insane, and then the fingers were gone, and he wanted them back, and wasn’t that just typical, that he would… Oh! Was that… Oh! OH! OH FUCK! Shit just got real!

And yeah, ok, not the thing to focus on at the moment!

“I know, I know it hurts, baby, just relax… Holy shit, Joe…”

Relax! Right! That was easier said than done! There was a burning hot poker inside his ass… Holy shit! Jordan was actually inside him! His cock in Joe’s ass! Not moving or anything, just waiting for Joe to give him permission to continue. The very idea was staggering and Joe had to take a few deep breaths. He could do this! Of course he could! For Jordan, he could do anything!

“J… You need to move, dude!”

“I will, I will”, Jordan said, his voice strained, “I just… I need a moment!”

A wave of exhilaration coursed through Joe when he heard that, his whole body going soft (except for a rather prominent part, located south of the equator). Jordan’s hard dick slid in even further, causing them both to moan.

“Oh, god! Joey… I… Oh, god…!”

”Fuck me, Jordan!”

Slowly, so very slowly, Jordan started moving, pulling almost all the way out, and gently pushing back inside. It wasn’t the most comfortable position ever, Joe realized, getting fucked in the ass lying face-down, ass in the air on a couch in the recording studio, but he was willing to overlook that fact, for the rest of his life, if he had to, because being with Jordan like this, in such an intimate act, with the one he loved, that was enough to blow his mind. And he was convinced that it would get better, eventually, it wasn’t totally unpleasant, and if th…

WHAM!

With no warning what so ever, something exploded in his head, sending lightning bolts of unimaginable pleasure straight to his cock and his whole body went rigid.

“FUCK!”

Jordan stopped immediately.

“You ok?!”

Joe showed his fist in his mouth to keep from sounding like a street whore, but whatever Jordan just did, had to have been the most intense sexual experience of his entire fucking life. And he’d had groupies that were downright freaky. But this? This was new! It literally made him want to beg for more. And one thing should be said about Joseph McIntyre; he did not beg!

But he wanted to! Because holy shit, whatever that was… was addictive!

“Fuck, fuck, fuck”, he muttered through his teeth and then, he removed his hand and spoke out loud, because he just HAD to feel that again, “Don’t stop, J, don’t… I don’t know what the fuck you just did, but… Fuck, keep doing it!”

There was a moment of complete and utter silence… and then Jordan asked, ever so gently:

“You mean this?” He pulled out and pushed back in, a bit harder than before, but he didn’t seem to find that spot again. Joe was about to tell him No, when Jordan moved, just a fraction, and suddenly, there was that explosion again.

“YES! FUCK, yeah, please… oh, god, just… just fuck me, J, please…”

“Fuck yeah!” Jordan grinned and started pounding Joe’s ass like he was born to do it, hitting that special spot with every other stroke, sending Joseph into a delirium. He leaned down to press his lips against Joe’s neck, whispering his name as he slowed down a bit, and then went a little faster.

Mentally blessing Jon for the twentieth time, Joe threw caution to the wind and just started moaning, pushing his ass back at Jordan to take him in deeper, matching Jordan’s rhythm as flawlessly as they sang on stage. It really wasn’t supposed to feel that good, was it? That couldn’t be right! But there was no way that he could deny it. It felt incredible. His legs disagreed with him, of course, and he was really sweaty and he didn’t even care, because Jordan wasn’t fucking him right now.

They were making love! 

There was no other way of looking at it. Somewhere down the line, this had gone from sex to lovemaking, and it wasn’t great, because first times rarely are… but it was absolutely perfect.

It was over within minutes, though. Jordan finished first, Joe half a minute later, Jordan’s hand on his dick and Jordan’s name on his lips as he erupted.

They stayed locked together for a while, just breathing, Jordan dropping tiny kisses all over Joe’s back, completely exhausted, but somehow feeling the need to show his appreciation and gratitude. And even though the experience in itself had been rather pleasurable, Joe couldn’t help but wince a bit when Jordan pulled out. Ok, so maybe, they needed a bit more practice in that department, but that was fine by him. He was already looking forward to doing this some more.

“Fuck, I love you so much! Why did we never do this before?”

“Are you kidding?” Jordan gave a laugh as he started looking around for his pants. “You were a baby! The General would have cut my dick off!”

“Probably! Well, we don’t have to worry about that now!” Even though his ass still hurt a bit, he felt like stretching out on the couch, languid like a cat, before suddenly having an idea. “Hey!” he said, looking up at Jordan, who was putting his clothes back on. “Do you think the fans will come up with a name for us too?”

“A name?”

“Yeah, like with Donathan, only… Joedan or Jordy or something like that…”

“Why would they… Joe, nobody is ever going to find out about this, are you insane?! In case you’ve forgotten, we’re kinda famous! People tend to recognize us wherever we go! What do you think would happen if the fans found out about this?”

“What?”

“Joe, think about this for a minute…”

Joe sat up on the couch. It was getting rather cold, suddenly.

“I have thought about it! I’ve done nothing but think about it for the past two months, Jordan, I know the risks! I just think it’s worth it! And I know you said that Evelyn won’t agree to a divorce, but…”

“Divorce? Hell, she would drag my ass to court, take the boys and hang me out to the tabloids before you could say…”

“You said you would leave her!” It wasn’t more than a whisper, because Joe wasn’t certain that his voice wouldn’t tremble if he raised it. This wasn’t going at all like he had planned. Suddenly, he felt really naked. Well, naked was a bit of an understatement, he felt… exposed.

“Jesus, Joe…” Jordan actually sighed, as if having this conversation was something really tedious, as he went over to the mirror to check his hair. “We both knew right from the start that it wasn’t gonna be anything more than this. When you think about it… It’s better this way!”

Joe was almost afraid to ask.

“What… exactly… is better?”

“Look, this doesn’t have to end, just because I’m staying with Evie. You and me, we can still get together, whenever we want… I’ll talk to Jon, I’m sure he’s got millions of tips on how to keep something like this discreet.”

And that was when the full magnitude of what he had done, what he had been led to believe, the harsh reality of the situation, came crashing down, hitting him right in the face.

“I’m gonna be sick!” Joe hastily started looking for his clothes, wanting nothing more than to be anywhere else but in the same room as Jordan Knight.

“Be reasonable, Joe, you know just as well as I do that it’s a complicated situation, doing what we do and…

“Yeah, it was really fucking complicated in my hotel room, wasn’t it?” Joe spat, venomously. This couldn’t actually be happening, could it? Not when he was so happy just ten minutes ago. “It was really complicated when I told my wife I had fallen in love with someone else!”

That sure made Jordan stop and turn.

“You told Barrett? Jesus, Joe…

Joe took a good look at his lover, finally understanding what was going on. Jordan was afraid. God only knew what he was afraid of, though, they were grown men, for crying out loud.

“What are you so afraid of, Jordan? Huh? What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“There are risks involved, Joe, you know that just as well as I do!”

Joe felt a bit calmer now. He understood that this wasn’t easy for Jordan. Hell, it wasn’t going to be easy for either one of them, but they could make it work. As long as they stayed together! A bit less frantic now, he found his clothes and put them on, forcing himself to keep his voice even.

“I know that, and I am willing to risk it, because I love you!” He took a deep breath, dreading the answer, but asking, nonetheless: “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you love me?”

And Jordan sighed! Again!

“It’s not as simple as that, Joseph, we can’t just…”

“It’s very simple, just tell me! Do you love me? Yes or no?”

“Fuck, Joe, you know I do, that’s not the point…”

“You’re wrong, that is the point! How am I supposed to believe that you love me if you can’t even say the words?”

“Joey…”

“You know what, Jordan? Fuck you!”

He had to get out of the fucking studio, it was like he couldn’t breathe properly. He needed fresh air. Yeah, that was it, he needed some fresh air to clear his head, that was exactly what he needed right now. What he didn’t need… was Jordan!

“I need to get out of here, I can’t even look at you right now! When you’ve stopped being such a fucking coward and you’re ready to talk, you come find me, but until then… Just stay the hell away from me!

“Wait, what are you doing, you can’t leave?! We have work to do! The guys will be here any minute and…”

“Just watch me!”

“Joe! Don’t do this!”

He had to admit that Jordan did sound a bit desperate, but he could not stick around and wait for the man to regain his senses. He needed to breathe. Just for an hour or so. And then, he’d be back, and they would finish the album, like professionals, and then, Jordan would be ready to talk.

“I love you, J, but I’m not gonna wait forever! You need to figure out what it is you want, and soon!”

He waited for fifteen seconds, giving Jordan plenty of time to call him back…

Nothing!

Ok, so maybe he needed more than an hour! Maybe he needed a week!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have tissues available before reading! You have been warned! And do not, I repeat: Do NOT listen to Miss You More by NKOTB while reading this. It will BREAK you!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_vO8-RjRNs

“Dude, no!” Jon said for the fourth time, the laughter still in his voice. “I won’t do it!”

Donnie tried giving him his best puppy eyes as he opened the door to the studio.

“Oh, come on, Jon, imagine the reactions of the fans if they found out you and me were doing a duet together.”

“He’s got a point, Jon!” Danny said, secretly enjoying watching his two friends bicker like an old married couple. If they both weren’t seeing other people, and Donnie got his head out of his ass, they would make a great couple.

“Guys, I’m not doing it! It was bad enough that you got me to… Woah!”

He was interrupted when a growling pit bull accidentally walked right into him.

“Sorry!” the growling pit bull muttered and tried to get past his three band mates.

“What’s up, Joe?”

“Guys, I’m this close from wanting to break something, so I suggest you move out of my way, before I start throwing punches!”

Donnie tried joking and went hiding behind Danny.

“Not the face!” he said, smiling. Joe gave him a hard look and tried once again to move away from them. Jon did not like the look on his face. He wasn’t about to tell Danny about what was going on, because so far, both Joe and Jordan had asked him and Donnie to keep it to themselves, but he had a feeling that his darling little brother had something to do with it.

“Everything alright, Joe?” he asked, not quite comfortable with letting Joe out the door looking like that.

“Oh yeah, just… need to get some air, get away from… things and people who can’t make up their fucking mind about what they want…” He took a deep breath, making it look like he was calming down, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. “I’m good, Jon, I just need to be alone!”

“You want me to…?” He left it at that, because Joe would understand anyway. Should he talk to Jordan? But Joe just shrugged and walked towards the door, yanking it open and slamming it shut behind him.

“Ok, what the hell was that?” Donnie asked.

“I thought they talked it out?” Danny asked.

Jon didn’t say a word. He had to talk to his brother first!

They had barely started moving before they heard the screeching. And after that, the screaming came. It was different than the ones they were used to, it was a scream of terror. And even though it felt like they were moving in slow motion, they were actually running out the door.

There were people in the street, standing around something… A man was talking on his phone, looking frantic… There was a woman, sitting on the curb, shaking, her hands, her head, there probably wasn’t a single part of her body that wasn’t shaking. And then more screaming! Absolutely gut wrenching screams.

“What’s going on?” Donnie asked as they approached. And then, they stopped. And stared! Someone close by said something about accident, something about the car ‘coming out of nowhere’, something about calling an ambulance… but neither Donnie, nor Jon or Danny were listening. 

In fact, they weren’t moving. They were frozen solid. Because it didn’t make sense!

“It wasn’t her fault”, someone else pointed out, “he walked right out into the road, didn’t even look…”

“She was on the phone, she wasn’t paying attention…”

“Oh, my god, is that the New Kids? What the hell…”

And then, the piercing shrieks of seven excited blockheads cut through the fog and brought the three of them back to the here and now, and the broken body in front of them. The shrieks of excitement suddenly turned into cries of shock and horror, and then, a name was spoken.

“Holy shit… It’s Joey!”

A lot of things happened in the next ten or so seconds. There were crying… someone was talking on their phone, Donnie had his arm around Jon’s waist, which were probably a good thing and the only thing keeping him upright. Danny was holding his hand in a death grip. And there were sirens in the distance, coming closer, and the crowd seemed to grow bigger and bigger, but it still didn’t make sense. Because they were staring at the lifeless body of their friend and bandmate, and that didn’t make any sense.

And somewhere, in the back of Jon’s mind, the part that wasn’t paralyzed with shock at the moment, reminded him that someone had to tell Jordan.

Because Jordan didn’t even know!

When the ambulance arrived, they were crying, holding on to each other, afraid to let go, surrounded by guards, security, cameras, a crowd of people and at least two dozen screaming Blockheads, all of them reaching out towards Joe’s broken body, alternating between begging him to wake up, and just sobbing his name. As the paramedics moved in to assist him and the telltale signal of a police car came closer, Danny turned to his bandmates.

“I’ll go with him… You need to tell Jordan!”

“Oh, god….. we have to tell Barrett… those poor kids…”

“Wait, we… Shouldn’t we…”

“You need to tell Jordan… And Donnie, you need to tell Barrett… I’ll take care of this…

When the paramedics lifted up Joe on the stretcher, the Blockheads all became eerily quiet, standing on both sides, like an honor guard, watching. Not a word was uttered, quiet sobbing the only audible sound. Jon, Donnie and Danny all moved, as one, towards the ambulance, but Danny was the only one getting in. Donnie and Jon remained, holding onto each other’s hands, as the ambulance drove off.

“This isn’t happening…”

Donnie let go of Jon’s hand to pull him closer and gently kiss him.

“He’ll be fine, baby, Joe’s one tough as nails motherfucker. Come on, we need to tell Jordan.”

The group of people surrounding them all stepped aside, parting like the Red Sea to let them pass.

* * * * * *

Jordan wasn’t shocked. Not really. More like dazed. It seemed as though any information he had been given in the past 24 hours, somehow got stuck in the fog surrounding his brain and only bits and pieces got filtered through.  
There were a lot of people in the hospital room. Friends, family… The doctors, apparently, had to dismiss one of the surgeons and two nurses from the OR, all of them Blockheads, unable to do their job properly. Block Nation was waiting in tight suspense, and Donnie’s tweet “Joe’s in critical condition. Pray for him!” had broken Twitter completely.

But Jordan didn’t care about that. He couldn’t!

Because the doctor had said hours. Not months, not years… Hours! He had hours left! If he was lucky! There was nothing to be done, body too broken, internal organs collapsing… He wasn’t in any pain, didn’t feel a thing… If they wanted a priest, they needed to get one… If they wanted to say their goodbyes, they should…

That was 87 minutes ago. They were all there, in Joe’s hospital room, nothing but closest friends and family. Barrett was there, with the kids, but Jordan had flat out refused to look her in the eye. How could he? Her husband was dying, and it was Jordan’s fault. Oh, he knew that it was his doing, he wasn’t kidding himself. Joe was dying because of him! Because he was a coward! Because he wasn’t man enough to be honest about his feelings, because he was afraid of what would happen if the world found out… No, not the world! What would happen if he told Joe that he loved him…

Oh, he knew what would happen: Absolutely nothing! There would be no explosion, no outrage, no scandal… Their fans would accept their relationship, embrace their love for each other as they had embraced Jon and Donnie.

And it didn’t matter!

Because Joe was dying! Joe was going to die, thinking that Jordan didn’t love him.

“He’s asking for you!”

Jordan looked up, seeing the woman whose husband he had stolen. He had no idea what to say to her. Why didn’t she hate him? She should! She should hate him, and hit him, and call him names… But she didn’t! There was no spite or lust for revenge in her kind face… only sadness.

“I can’t!” he whispered, not wanting to disturb the others in the room, but feeling too ashamed to tell her anything that wasn’t the truth.

“Of course you can! He wants to spend his final moments with the people he loves… That includes you! Don’t deny him that.”

“I am sorry…”

“For what? Did you force my husband to fall in love with you?”

“No…”

“He’s a grown man, Jordan, capable of making his own decisions. You’re not to blame in this, any more than he is. Now, go to him, and tell him you love him. You and me, we’ll sort out the rest later.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

He didn’t know what else to say. She was a good woman! Evie would have screamed, he knew that. If the situations had been reversed? Oh, yeah, Evelyn would scream! And hit! And put all of the blame on Joe. So did that mean that she wasn’t a good woman? Of course not! She reacted to betrayal in one way, and Barrett reacted in another way.

And it didn’t matter anymore, did it?

Because his Joey was dying! And Jordan had to tell him the truth.

He took three deep breaths before approaching the bed, barely even noticing the way Jon and the others moved out of his way to give him some privacy.

Joe was smiling at him, when he came closer, which Jordan simply chalked down to the drugs that were coursing through his veins, keeping the pain away. His eyes were open… the one that was still functional, at least, and it was just as blue and clear and incredible as before.

“Hey, Joe…” He took yet another deep breath. “Your… Your wife seems to think that I should tell you…” He sat down on the chair by the bed. “Look, it’s not that I don’t love you, I do, with all my heart, you know that, it’s just… a bit harder for me to admit that I am actually in love with you… which I am! I’m in love with you! Fuck, Joe, you’re so fucking smart, you probably knew before I did.”

He reached out to hold Joe’s hand in between his own.

“I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry about all of this, I’m sorry I couldn’t be honest with you about how I feel and I’m sorry I never told you I love you… And I’m sorry I got you into this mess in the first place!”

He did his best to ignore the fact that he was shaking. He ignored the tears in his eyes and the lump in his throat. He ignored it, because he had to.

He had to tell Joe the truth!

In the corner of his eye, he noticed Barrett coming to sit on the other side of the bed, holding Joe’s other hand.

“And I’m sorry for the way I acted after we…”

“J… “ Joe interrupted him, his voice strained, but still powerful. “Stop blaming yourself! You didn’t put me in the hospital! I did that all on my own!”

It was getting harder and harder for Jordan to ignore that lump in his throat and his vision was getting really blurry. The only thing keeping him together at this point, was the rise and fall of Joe’s chest, because it was a sign of life.

“I love you, Joey! And if it hadn’t been for me, then you…”

“Jordan! I love you too, you know that…” Joe’s eyes looked around at his friends and family, a smile on his lips. “I love all y’all… But do you think you could give me a few minutes… I’m tired!”

And Jordan felt what was left of his heart break. Oh, god! He looked over at Barrett. She too, had tears in her eyes, and as their eyes met, she nodded, once, lifting Joe’s hand to her cheek. Jordan really didn’t want to. He really, really, didn’t want to.

He did it anyway!

“Alright, Joe! You rest! We’ll talk more when you wake up, ok?” He barely got the words out, that lump in his throat was making it hard to speak. It was hard to even breathe.

Joe just sighed and closed his good eye. Jordan was staring at his chest like he was trying to make it move with just the power of his mind. Rise… and fall… Rise… and fall… Rise… and fall…

And then, it stopped.

For the longest two seconds in history, nobody moved or even said a word.

Outside, it started to rain. As if Mother Nature herself was mourning the loss.

Jordan started to cry! And he wasn’t sure if he would ever stop!


	7. Chapter 7

Jordan woke up with a gasp, shaking all over. The world was moving. It took him a few seconds to realize that he was on the bus. He was drenched in sweat and his heart was thumping away like crazy.

“Just a dream!” he said to himself, voice trembling. “Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream… Oh, god!”

It had been a really vivid dream, though. He could still feel the burning pit in his stomach as he watched Joe slip away…

“Oh, fuck!” Hiding his face in his hands, he noticed that his cheeks were wet with tears. Like a tidal wave, every single second of that dream started flashing before his eyes. Every last second! The good as well as the bad, Joe’s kiss… going to his hotel room, all those fantasies becoming a reality… making love in the studio… Joe’s accident, the fight, Joe’s smiling face, the way his fingers felt on Jordan’s body, the way Jordan had so quickly become addicted to those demanding lips, the feeling of him moving inside his lover, in that perfect moment… begging his brother for advice… Jon’s fury…

Instinct kicking in, Jordan looked over at his brother’s bunk bed, but it was empty. It didn’t even look as though it had been slept in at all. Jordan didn’t feel there was any need for concern, though. His brother was an insomniac. He was probably just off reading somewhere or playing poker with Danny or Donnie… Joe...

The dream was still running in his head, like a movie on repeat that he couldn’t turn off, showing him over and over again, with painstaking clarity, what had been right in front of him for so long, what he had always known.

He loved Joey! He loved him with every part of his being, in every way possible. In the dream, he had been too late, not realizing he was in love until he sat by that hospital bed, helpless as Joe went to sleep and never woke up… Not knowing what he had until he lost it…… and what would happen if he didn’t act. Now!

He was moving, stumbling out of bed as he shouted to the driver:

“Stop! Stop the bus!”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere, the others…”

“I don’t care, stop the fucking bus! NOW!”

The bus came to a screeching halt. Jordan had to hold on to the driver seat to keep his balance. And as soon as the doors were open, he ran outside. 

He stood there, in the middle of the deserted road, trying to breathe. He couldn’t risk losing Joe like that! He couldn’t lose him!

The other two buses were slowing down behind the first one, and Jordan opened his mouth without really thinking about what he was doing.

“JOE! JOEY?!”

# # # # # #

In another one of the buses, Donnie was in the middle of getting one of the best blow jobs ever, from his very enthusiastic lover. If it were at all possible, he would want to freeze this moment in time and just enjoy life, and the look of love in his lover’s eyes.

And then, suddenly, he wasn’t, anymore.

“What the… What are you doing?”

“We stopped!”

“Yeah, I noticed, now keep going!”

“Not that, dickwad, the bus! It stopped! We’re not moving!”

“But… we’re not there yet!”

“Yeah, I know that, I… Sssh!”

They both looked towards the window as a familiar voice started shouting outside.

“Is that Jordan?”

“What’s he doing?”

“I better go see what’s going on!”

“What…. But… come on, we were busy!”

“Dude, he’s my brother!”

Jon gave Donnie a stern look and put on a shirt before he exited the bus. Donnie wrinkled his forehead for about two seconds, and then exclaimed, to thin air:

“Yo! That’s my shirt!”

# # # # # #

In the third bus, Joe woke up with a start, drenched in cold sweat. His heart was pounding away madly in his chest, reminding him that it was all a dream; he was still alive.

It had been a really vivid dream, though. As he tried to slow down his breathing, images and sensations from his dream kept on assaulting him; the sex dreams with him and Jordan, the dreams becoming a reality, the agony of coming to terms with his feelings, the tears as he told Barrett, the shame and humiliation at realizing that Jordan didn’t love him back… the accident… 

He moved his hand to the back of his head, not even thinking as he did so, sighing internally in relief when he couldn’t feel anything. Not even a tiny little bump. And, of course, Jordan’s voice, so filled with agony, calling his name…

Wait, was he still dreaming or did he actually hear Jordan call for him?

And that’s when he noticed that the bus wasn’t moving. And yes, he did hear Jordan say his name.

Joe got up and left the bus, not even bothering with putting a shirt on. It was still dark, but he guessed that dawn wasn’t far away. He thought he could see the dark blue sky becoming somewhat brighter. So, they had stopped in the middle of the night, in the middle of fucking nowhere, and standing on the road, was Jordan.

And then, Jordan started walking towards Joe and Joe was moving as fast as humanly possible, without actually running, his heart pounding again, fast and furiously, understanding now, what that dream had really been about.

When they were close enough to touch, Joe was barely able to say the letter J, before Jordan pulled him in close for a bone crushing hug.

“Don’t leave me, Joe! Don’t you fucking die on me!”

Maybe he was still dreaming, after all, but it didn’t matter, he hugged Jordan back, just as fierce, not letting go, not ever letting go, not ever!

“You died! I watched you slip away and I couldn’t… I couldn’t do anything, and it was all my fault…”

“It was just a dream, J! I’m right here! I’m here, I’m not going anywhere! Not ever!”

“It was more than a dream!” Jordan took a step back, staring at Joe with a look that made Joe’s legs feel suspiciously weak. “It was a wakeup call! I understand now, I know what I have to do, I know what’s important to me…”

“Listen, listen, I have to tell you something, alright, and if I don’t do this now, I’ll never say it and… just don’t hit me or anything, but… You need to know that I… I’m…”

“I don’t care! Don’t you understand? I don’t ever want to go through that again, I don’t want to lose you because I’m too much of a coward to tell you how I really feel about you.”

“I’m…” And then he stopped. And looked at Jordan for at least six seconds. “So… How do you feel about me?”

Jordan looked at him with eyes, so full of love that Joe’s legs almost gave out from under him.

“Don’t you know already?” Jordan asked and yes, of course he knew. But the dream was still fresh in Joe’s head, and he couldn’t accept that. He shook his head slightly. He knew, but he still needed to know for sure.

“Say the words, Jordan!” He said, adding a soft: “Please!”

“I love you, Joe! I am desperately in love with you! I have loved you for years, I just didn’t realize it until it was too late and I had to watch you die and…”

“Hey, hey… I’m right here! I’m right here, J! And I love you too!”

When they kissed, it wasn’t the first time they did it. But it was their first kiss after an honest confession of love for one another. And that made it all the more sweet.

Until they were interrupted.

“Ok, guys, I hate to do this”, Jared began, clearing his throat before continuing, “because it’s… wow… but we are on a tight schedule and we have to keep moving, so… if you wanna continue this particular discussion on the bus, so that we could get this show on the road, I would really appreciate that.”

Joe and Jordan exchanged a heated look. Had they not been interrupted, they might have just thrown caution to the wind, but the thought of a bed did sound appealing.

“Yeah, ok!”

“You’re right! Thanks, dude!”

“Great!”

“J, I guess I’ll see you later?” Jon said as he started walking towards his and Jordan’s bus. “I’m assuming you will be spending the rest of this tour riding the Joey bus!”

“What?!”

“I am so gonna pretend that you did not just say that!” Joe groaned, hiding his face in his hand.

“You love me, I know you do! And you, little brother, are going to tell me everything!”

“Yeah, that goes both ways, bro! Any particular reason why you are wearing Donnie’s shirt?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“Guys! Seriously, tight schedule! Come on, people!”

# # # # # #

Contrary to what his brother might have thought, Jordan and Joe spent a lot of time doing nothing but talk as the buses kept on moving. They both knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but they figured that it would be worth it. Jordan wanted to call Evelyn immediately and tell her that it was over, but Joe had a rather effective way of making him forget who she even was.

After all the talking, though, they did plenty of exploring, finding out if dreams really were better than reality, if Jordan really did have a spot behind his right ear that Joe would obsess over, and how high a note someone like Jordan Knight could actually hit, while being screwed by the McIntyre Anaconda.

They made sure everybody knew the score, as soon as they arrived at their destination. Thousands of fans, that were there to welcome them in front of the hotel, got to see them emerge from the bus, together, looking like they had spent the entire tour fucking each other’s brains out, and during the concert that very same night, during ‘If you go away’, there was no denying the brightness of their eyes or the emotions in their voices as they moved together on stage.

They broke Twitter after the show, when Joe ‘accidentally’ mentioned him and Jordan’s activities had taken a significantly more intimate turn. As they sat together, on the bed, in Jordan’s hotel room, reading through the tweets from their loving fans, some confused, some really supportive, and yes, some really outraged, Evelyn skyped, wanting information from her husband. Jordan exchanged one single look with Joe, and said:

“I’m sorry, Evie, but this is how it is! I love Joe! I’m in love with him! And I’m going to stay with him.”

He had been right, in his dream, about Evie screaming. And blaming! And he couldn’t be sure about the hitting, but he had a feeling that if he had done this face-to-face… Yeah, there would have been hitting. But in the end, she had to accept defeat. Because there was no way she would ever be able to win against him. And she knew that. There was no way around it!

Jordan and Joe were solid!


End file.
